The Beauty of Losing Control

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So let me start by saying today is my BC (big chop) anniversary. Two years ago today I sat on the floor of my cousin’s apartment staring at the pair of scissors she gripped in her hands as apprehension held its own grip on me. Yes on NYE. NYE 2011 my cousin talked me into finally letting go of all the permed ends I was delusionally holding on to. Why was I so apprehensive? Why was I struggling to let go of those ends and become”fully natural”? (Whatever that means. Whew! Let’s not get into how people feel the need to define you for you. Another post for another day.) . I believe I was apprehensive because I had always had long hair.

Exhibit A: A few throwbacks for your viewing pleasure 🙂

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I took tremendous pride in my hair and to just “snip-snip” it off like that took me to a place I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Yes, I wore weaves, and still do, but I controlled that. I controlled the way my hair looked and laid. No stress. No worries. But to cut off all my hair and return to my kinky, coily, untamed origins was unsettling to me. Needless to say, I was straddling the proverbial fence.

Welp, after a few glasses of wine  I somehow mustered up the courage and finally let go. Well kind of. To say that it was a “liberating experience”  couldn’t be farther from the truth. I was shocked and hurt. Who was this person now staring back at me and what had she done? I like to think that there is nothing a weave can’t fix and boy I weaved my hair up with a quickness.  I didn’t want to deal with this. Not yet anyway.

Now that my hair has grown back a little (surprise, surprise there! who knew hair could grow back?) my courage has sprouted along with it. I by no means  claim to be a “naturalista”, “kinky coily nazi”, or declare the “creamy crack” as contraband. What I do claim, is to finally have given up on the idea of control. Here is an excerpt from a blog post I came across that unearthed the unspoken volumes buried within my heart, 

“If nobody has told you, let me be the first: you’re more beautiful when you give up the illusion of control. You are most beautiful when you lean into the reality of the moment, regardless of what it looks like on your head.”

Click here to read the entire post!

Anyways, to wrap up a long-winded post, I share this with you all to say we are not always ready to do the things that need to be done. We often hold onto the things that are inhibiting us from attaining greater things. Even when we do do the things that need to be done we are still not ready to deal. And you know what? That’s ok. But know that you will never reach the heights destined for you by fading into the distance. I am finally ready to tackle my beautiful kinky, coily, untamed mane. I want to learn about my curls and see what it is that makes them beautiful. Because they are beautiful. Because I said they are.

As we enter 2014, what are you struggling to let go of? What have you already let go of, but yet to deal with the reality of its absence and the potential it means for your life?

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